The courage to walk away...

This is a fight I never imagined I'd be having.

A couple weeks ago, I commented on a Substack note that ignited a fire in me. The original post was from the amazing Gabrielle Blair:

And here was my comment:

The comment received more engagement than my own Notes do, so clearly it struck a chord.

I couldn’t quite figure out why this affected me the way it did. Then, a few days later, I watched Isabel Brown stand on the CPAC stage and tell an audience of young women that they should “have the courage to get married and have kids — more kids than they can afford before they think they’re ready.” Brown is 28. She’s a Daily Wire host with more than a million Instagram followers. She is, in other words, a woman with a platform, a business, and an income of her own — telling other women to build a life she herself has an exit from.

Then it landed. Blair’s point and Brown’s pitch are two opposite ends of the spectrum. One woman reminding us that the fight was never about working — it was about being compensated, seen, allowed to build something that was ours, and have the ability to walk away (even if you might not use it). And another woman, standing on a stage built by that very fight, telling young women to give that up.

First, it’s important to know something about my past — it sheds light on why I feel so fervently about this. I come from a family of divorce. My parents divorced when I was 11, then my mom remarried and divorced her second husband when I was 18. If you didn’t know my mom, you might think she was the problem. I can tell you that it just wasn’t the case. In both circumstances, she absolutely needed to leave, and as an adult (even one in a very happy and healthy marriage), I can say that I’m so proud of her for having the courage to do it. My mom instilled in me something money can’t buy: the unshakeable value of independence, agency. She taught me to NEVER get into a situation I can’t walk away from. I’ve carried that with me and it has made everything from my career as an entrepreneur, to my sense of self-worth, to my relationship with my husband of 10 years that much stronger.

As I’ve built my life, I’ve experienced the same glass ceilings, the same sexist remarks, the same veiled discrimination as every other woman does. I’m not anti-male, I am overtly anti-toxic masculinity. I’m also not anti-marriage, I have a husband that I adore, that supports every wild dream I have. We are very much a team — we both work, take care of our daughter, share household responsibilities. I’m grateful, but I don’t consider this “lucky”. I consider it reasonable.

I’m aware of the fact that my views are somewhat unconventional with the way that the world actually operates behind closed doors. I’ve also accepted (and to some degree become complacent) with having to consistently advocate for my right to choose my lifestyle. But I always assumed that the other side of the table would be men. And in recent years that seems (surprisingly) to not be the case.

I never thought I’d need to convince other women why they should advocate for women’s rights — the right to choose, to not stay in a marriage that makes them unhappy (let alone a situation that could be emotionally or physically harmful in the name of “family values”). I never for a moment imagined I would need to convince conservative girlfriends that yes, it does matter that they are still supporting a political party that seems only to support independent women when it serves their agenda — and are quick to throw them under the bus when they need a scapegoat.

And I never assumed that the people advocating for having children you can’t afford would come from female voices — let alone women like Isabel Brown, who is not, in fact, living the life she’s selling. She’s on a stage. She has a show. She has a platform. She has an exit, whether or not she plans to use it. Never could I have imagined that the very people promoting the lifestyle of traditional wives would, ironically, themselves not be living by those standards, but instead have businesses and livelihoods that would make it possible (simple, even) to walk away if they absolutely needed to.

Because while I am very much a feminist in the sense that I believe in a woman’s right to choice, I’m also a realist in my belief that to choose means having the autonomy to do so. Whether it’s financial independence, bodily independence, or simply the self-respect to walk away from a relationship, job, circumstance, etc that is not healthy or happy in spite of what your religion, culture, or social circle says.

It is exhausting advocating for choice. Because the reality is that you don’t really have a sense for your ability to choose until you are forced to reckon with it. Everyone hopes they end up in a great situation, but statistics tell us that often that is not the case — and for women, it can be emotionally, mentally, or even physically dire. I want every woman to feel they can walk away from it.

But I am SO FUCKING EXHAUSTED of fighting for this against people who don’t think it is needed and yet still benefit from it.

Because while it all sounds so great in theory, I wonder how many of the women advocating against choice, telling young women to lean into their roles as wives and mothers, have ever actually had to make a different one.

Found on Etsy, artist unknown, regrettably.